I love October. I cling to October. I know not what course others may take, but for me, today is October 32.
November is a fraud. Fall is fixed. Everybody knows October won. I mean, did you see all the people celebrating football games and Halloween in October? There is no way you can tell me November won a fair succession.
Anyone who prefers November to October is not a real American. Beyond that, Jesus prefers October.
So here’s what we’ll do. We’ll just reject November. We will just refuse to certify November. We just won’t flip the calendar to November.
If asked for evidence that it is still October, we’ll simply reply, “Because we say so,”
If pressed for more evidence, our answer will be even more compelling and eloquent. “Screw you.”
Rastafarians and Hindus and other non-Christians have religious observations in November. They do that right here in America, as if they’re Americans.
We all know the Founding Fathers would not want to have anything to do with that. November is not American. November is illegitimate.
We’ll demand calendar recounts and audits. We’ll sue. We will slander November.
Our plan? Just refuse to certify November. Just don’t do it, Nike.
We’ll riot. We will attempt a Calendar Coup. We are prepared to hang people. If we fail, we’ll keep bitching and whining NEXT November. Which will actually still be October, as we all know.
This is all about freedom, folks.
I’m pushing back against this obvious War on October.
It’s not “Happy Autumn,” you heathens. It’s “Merry October 32.” Do you have the courage to say that?
Look, I know October can be a little rough around the edges. But this shouldn’t be about monthly mean tweets. This should be about policy.
It’s October 32. Because I said so.