Brooks Koepka is my ex. My ex-favorite golfer. It was an ugly breakup for me after he cheated with LIV. My ex is leading The Masters. Sure, I could take the high road. “I’m happy fawya…I’m really happy fawya…”
But I hope he shoots 78 on Saturday and lays an 81 Easter egg. We are neverrrrrr…everrrrrr….getting back togetherrrr…
You want the high road? Bobby Wagner and the Seahawks are going steady again. No hard feelings. No grudges. You’re a good man, Bobby Wagner. I probably would have had a hard time burying the hatchet anywhere except between John Schneider’s shoulder blades. But I already just told you how I roll.
That was pretty fishy, Dallas Mavericks. But now I’m happy the playoffs will be marked safe from Mark Cuban.
Break up the 7-0 Tampa Bay Rays!
And then wake up the Astros.
Joe Mixon has spent the past decade claiming he’s not really a bad guy. And I have wanted to believe him. This just in: Joe Mixon is a bad guy. The Stripes will be drafting a running back.
Celtics star Jaylen Brown is going to miss some time after he says he cut a finger on his shooting hand. No, he didn’t ding the digit on the rim, like, say, I might have. Nah, see, Jaylen says he cut the finger while picking up a glass vase that he accidentally knocked over while watering his houseplants. Five stitches. My only reaction is that this kind of deal is usually a baseball thing.
Let he who has never bounced a ceremonial first pitch to the backstop cast the first stone at Travis Kelce. That disqualifies me. Trust me and learn from me, Trav. You’re going to need therapy. I still have nightmares…